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Snow
Big Deal
By Bill Zahren
(Posted 1/22/98)
Where I work you can always tell when a snow
storm coming just by going to a window.
Not because you want to look out the window
at the weather. No. Just go to a window and check it for nose
and cheek prints. The more prints, the greater the alleged
severity of the storm.
You may think, since the Midwest has weather
about as stable as an armed manic-depressive, we’d be used
to it. You’d think that we would say, "What? Oh, it’s just
snowing." But no. There’s a certain cadre in the Midwest that
is Weather Possessed. I know many of these people. If they
could have a live weather radar scope at their desks, they
would. They decide which local news channel to watch based
on the quality of the weather report.
It doesn't even matter if Weather People will
be traveling anytime in the next month. Even confined, via
chain, to their homes for the next three weeks they’ll still
obsess about when the Big Storm will arrive.
So, when it started snowing yesterday at work,
I saw people sprint toward the window, get airborne for some
20 feet and slam their faces into the glass to see "What it’s
doing outside." It almost had a hockey feel to it. You know,
when some guy gets checked into the boards so violently he
just sticks to the Plexiglas like a pancake on an ungreased
pan. Then the maintenance crews have to come out with WD-40
and spatulas to pop him off so play can resume. That was the
scene at work Tuesday.
Just be glad if you didn’t have to go to the
grocery store that afternoon. (And if you did, I hope your
insurance covers your injuries.) I’m sure it was a crowd scene
that rivaled festival seating at a Rolling Stones concert.
When I worked at the Le Mars, Iowa, newspaper, our office
was right across the street from a grocery store.
Just for kicks, we’d go to the store during
STORM ALERTS. I’ve seen tamer crowds at pro wrestling events.
People were buying 291 loaves of bread, seven gallons of milk
and fighting young, pregnant mothers for the last packs of
baby wipes. I expected the crackle of gunfire any second.
They covered the shelves like feeding locusts. The cash registers
caught fire twice. You would have thought someone just announced,
"The Russian warheads are inbound." I just want to scream
"Are you people all from Florida? It’s snow, not nuclear winter."
But, you just don’t want to get snowed in without enough food
to last for upwards of three presidential administrations.
Then again, maybe Midwesterners cope so well
with winter storms because we don’t take them lightly. We’ve
all memorized the Winter Travel Tips: leave early, have plenty
of gas, go slow, call ahead to make sure the event you’re
going to is still on, tell someone when you are leaving and
the route you’ll take.
There’s cautious, and then there’s fixated.
Let’s just calm down, people. It’s winter. It snows in Iowa
during winter. Deal with it.
Besides, the office maintenance crew is running
out of spray to clean the greasy nose and cheek prints off
the glass. Give them a break.
© 1998 Bill
Zahren
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