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Show Them You Care
(or at least that you're not a total punk)
By Bill Zahren
Posted 02/11/99)
It's that time of year again, men. The time
of year that hurtles itself at us like a dozen sharp pins
headed for our fragile balloon of self-confidence. It's nearly
Valentines Day and we're going to be forced (kicking and screaming)
to think about the L-word.
Yeah. "Love." You must admit you love her. It's
part o the deal. Rule 1 is that you must get your significant
other a Valentine's Day present. If you don't at least make
the effort, she'll know for sure that you're a punk. So let's
get serious about this. Let's attack it in true guy fashion,
with bullet points. (It's all bullet points these days. I
hear "Bill, get me some bullets on . . ." five times a day.)
So here we go:
Valentine's Day presents you should rule
out right away. (I am now engaging MS Word's Auto Bullet
mode. Everybody say BAM.)
- Anything with a power cord or a motor. Take the
weekend off, motor heads. Things with a cord or motor are
pretty out, unless your squeeze is into power tools or something.
Even then, it's perhaps a bit impersonal. "Honey, I thought
we could have dinner and then maybe cut some lumber together
later."
- Anything used to cook food. Eat, sleep, talk/watch/play
sports, ponder motorized vehicles, obsess about money and
practice reproducing. They form the Big Six Wheel of American
male psyche. You can sacrifice one weekend, guys. Ixnay
on the illetskay.
- Anything you can buy at a convenience store. The
number-one place for American male gift shopping has to
be a convenience store. We're topping off the tank, we might
as well shop for the little misses. An assortment of Mars
products does not constitute Valentine candy. Just say no
to ice scrapers and pine-tree-shaped car air fresheners.
A six-pack does not show depth of emotion.
- Dermatology products. Responding to an info-mercial
on solving problem acne or unwanted facial hair on behalf
of your wife is NEVER a good plan, especially on Valentine's
Day, even if the gift is from the heart. Because she might
respond with a "Discover Your Abs under That Sea of Flab"
plan for you. Not so cool now, is it, Mr. Helpful?
- Heat. You know, firearms. Again, some women are
into it, but a festive 9 mm Beretta, even with a red bow
on it, to me does not say "Love ya forever!" Unless you're
packing right now, in which case I think it's the best gift
ever.
So, what should you get? Well, that's tougher since I, myself,
have not quite mastered it. There are a few traditional biggies,
but then it gets real confusing, real fast.
- Ice, Ice, Baby. See, if I could afford it, I'd
go right for the diamonds. Jewelry is the Valentine's
Day trump card. Even if you bring home a diamond that
looks like it spent the better part of a year inside a
cat's stomach, you'll still be the V. Day Hero for months.
Trust me on this one. Usually, people with fiancées or
girlfriends go for the diamonds. They're trying to solidify
their position as the preferred vendor, so to speak.
Once we're married a couple of years, guys figure they
got a long-term contract so we stop buying diamonds and
stop dancing. (Yes, we are pigs.) Here's your chance to
renew or extend your contract.
- That whole flower and candy thing. If you're
going to do this, be smart: order RIGHT NOW. Don't even
finish reading this. Dial. Because you want those flowers
to show up at her desk on 8 a.m. on Valentine's Day so
they can spend the entire day on display. Economists
call this "optimizing your flower dollar display utilization."
I call it "getting the most bang out of your $50." All
your squeeze's female co-workers will feel instant jealousy
and all her male co-workers will hate you for making them
look stupid. It's a smugness double play.
- Clothing. I once saw a guy walking down the aisle
in Target carrying a red teddy. This burly guy did not
appear to be having a fun shopping experience, since he
looked more like a man transporting nuclear waste. It
takes a special kind of mental preparation and meditation
before a guy can march into a store like Victoria's Secret,
and say, "I'd like something in a thong." But you can
do it, guys, if you want to. Just get her size first.
(Secretly rifle her underwear drawer in and look at the
tags. Record the sizes. Create a spreadsheet if you must.)
Telling the sales woman, "My wife's butt isn't
quite as large as yours" is not cool. If you're going
for the non-sex related items, I suggest mannequin shopping.
I do this all the time. Go to a cool store. Find a mannequin
that is already ensemblized in a way you like, attract
the attention of sales personnel and point to the mannequin.
Hand the sales woman your list of sizes and she'll do
the rest.
- Something that fits your Significant Other's Personality:
This is the toughest one, since it requires you to focus
on your significant other, perhaps while a hockey game is
actually available on TV. But, if you pay attention to what
she says and does, you can figure out her hobbies, and interests.
This is the way of the Valentine Warrior. Many do not pack
the gear to hack it. It takes courage and perseverance.
The reward is HUGE Valentine's Day Love Points from the
sig. other. May the force be with you.
So go forth and shop. Remember Rule Number
1: this is something you must do. More important than
Christmas. Maybe look at some home interior decorating books,
Bride magazine and Sesame Street Parents to get your tiny
bit of estrogen pumping, then go for it. Or you can always
get flowers and candy.
© 1999 Bill Zahren
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