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Brest Magazines
and other Stuff I Don't Get
By Bill Zahren
(Posted 04/21/00)
A few things in life (OK, more than a few)
confuse me. For example:
Breast Magazines: What's the deal with
magazines like Maxim, which fixate on women's breasts? Basically,
you've got a large-breasted woman on the cover of each issue.
Inside are stories about breasts, beer, sex, beer and breasts.
Maxim's success has spurred copycats, which has led to a bit
of a breast renaissance.
The only good news is a lot of chesty women
are being paid righteous coin to have their pictures taken.
I hope these women get tons of money. I hope they get so much
money that they chortle amongst themselves. "This guy offered
me $7,500 to take a picture of me in a black bra," one woman
tells another, followed by several minutes of hysterical laughing.
In the interest of equal time, though, there
should be a magazine called Packages for women. Or ButtMag
or something that focuses (literally) on some part of the
male anatomy. Seems only fair.
Groping Pregnant Women: I really don't
get this. Several of my female friends report that random
strangers will touch their pregnant wombs, totally uninvited.
OK, where I come from, unrequested touching of a woman's abdomen
- whether it contains a gestating child or not - is pretty
much out of bounds. I'm a married man. I can't be rubbing
my hands on random women. Where does it stop? I'm not digging
anyone touching my wife's midsection, except for qualified
medical personnel in the line of duty. I guess women grope
pregnant women a lot as well. That's just kinky.
And what's up with asking, "Do you know what
you're having?" Why the fixation on the sex of the child?
I guess you can just wait until the birth, Sparky. Are there
any other medical records you'd like access to? People would
never walk up to someone and ask "How much to you make a year?"
but they have no problem asking about urinalysis, intestinal
polyps or the sex of the unborn child. Why stop there? Why
not get more reproductive details like: "What position did
you use to conceive? Were there whips involved? Did you use
a lubricant at all?" It's just not right, I tell you.
Highlighted Hair: OK, someone explain
to me why people are paying large cash to get their hair "highlighted?"
My wife does this. It's a process whereby women put on nutty
skullcaps and their stylist yank random strands of hair through
the cap and then slathers on a chemical with a molecular structure
longer than my car. Natural blondes must laugh their butts
off over this. Or do they get streaks of black put into their
hair? One of my friends tells me it "damages the hair, so
it makes it fuller and more sparkly." One of many problems
with that is that it costs $108 to get your hair "highlighted."
I've got a bottle of Clorox at home. Come on by and I'll fix
you up for $10.
The NBA Playoffs: The NBA playoffs started
April 21. Exactly 34 people care. I can save you the effort
of watching. Here's the Universal NBA Playoff Strategy:
1. Throw yourself down the lane and into a convenient
opposing player while hurling the ball at the hoop.
2. When you hit the opposing player, scream as
if you've been stabbed.
3. Hope the ref calls a foul on the opponent.
4. Make the free throws. There you go.
The formula for NBA playoff games. Shooting,
teamwork, execution, precision -- screw all that. The playoffs
are about driving the lane at all costs and making free throws.
It's exciting basketball, let me tell you. Just record three
hours of people shooting free throws and you've got about
every NBA playoff game. The stars, of course, are the referees
who exercise all the skill in determining who in the scrum
gets the foul. I think NBA refs should have show endorsements
and TV commercials.
Political Conventions: Why do we have
these? Everyone knows who the nominees are right now. We've
pretty much heard the speeches including the obligatory "Trashing
of the Opposition" oratory. Let's vote tomorrow. But no, it's
several hundred more days of campaigning. Meanwhile, campaigns
for the 2004 elections have just kicked off, and candidates
for the 2008 election are expected to announce in June. Just
raise yourself $80 million or so and you too can be president
of the United States. (Must be 35 and a native citizen to
apply. Offer void if you actually work for a living.)
The one thing I envy about parliamentary forms
of government is the absence of freakishly long and expensive
presidential campaigns. You elect representatives to government,
and then the majority party or coalition elects the prime
minister. Whole process takes about two weeks. Done.
Question Time: Speaking of parliament,
the British Parliament has the prime minister's question time,
sometimes televised on PBS. It's a parliamentary proceeding
in which the members of Parliament ask the prime minister
virtually anything they want. The whole thing has the stately
and reverent decorum of a pro wrestling match.
You get questions like, "Would the Prime Minister
agree with me, that he is in fact a shaved down ape who should
be neutered and placed adrift on a leaky rubber raft?" followed
by whistles, feet stomping, "hear-hear" and often cat calls.
The PM answers: "I would agree with my kind
colleague, if, in fact, he were to admit that he molests cats
and has an over fondness for his own genitals."
What's up with that?
© 2000 Bill Zahren
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