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No, I Haven't Sold My House Yet.
But thanks so much for asking!

By Bill Zahren
(Posted 05/15/00)

When I bought my house in Sioux City, Iowa in 1995, I pretty much planned to live there forever. This, of course, reveals me as a Hopelessly Stupid Moron.

Little did I realize what I thought was a striking, four-bedroom ranch home in Sioux City would turn out to be a $99,950 anchor around my neck. In November 1999 I took a new job in Des Moines, which is three hours from Sioux City. So, how tough can it be? Commute for a month or two, sell the house in Sioux City, move the wife and two daughters to a stylish residence in Des Moines and live large for the rest of our lives. Same plan, different location.

That was six months on the market and one offer ago. Since January, I've been living alone in an apartment in Des Moines, driving home on Thursday nights. Working from home on Friday and driving back down to Des Moines at 5 a.m. every Monday. That will take you right to the summit of Mount Rage if you think about it for a while. And I have thought about it for a while. Thought about it last night, alone in my "efficiency" (code for "extremely small") apartment where I read for two hours and went to bed at 8:30 p.m.

Forget the fact that the asking price for my house is currently $9,050 below what I paid for it in 1995. Pay no attention to that, because I overpaid for it. I freely admit that, since it was perfect for us. And then, to compound the felony, we put a couple thousand into new flooring just last year.

Now if you mention that the asking price is $5050 below the assessed value, well, then we start to experience increased blood pressure and my personal gall bladder injects about a quart of bile directly into my personal stomach.

When you first list your house for sale, you figure you'll grit your teeth for a month and deal with the total pain in the butt of keeping it constantly clean and ready to show. Maybe six weeks. After month number four passes, (this may shock you) you start to get cynical. Yeah. I'm usually such a positive and non-sarcastic person. But, after 120 days, I started caring a little less about the house appearance when some "home buyers" were coming over. Because I knew they wouldn't buy it. Not even if I left a bag of $50,000 in small, unmarked bills on the counter with a tag that read, "included with the house" on it.

After six months on the market and about four asking price drops, (There goes 100% of the money you used for a down payment on the house, Bill! Now you don't have to worry about paying taxes on the interest in your savings account, 'cause it's fixin' to disappear!) "don't care" is an overstatement. I'm re-defining "fatalistic" with every successive weekend of non-offers.

So we get the call that some "home buyers" are coming to "look at" our house. We pack up the kids and go to "Dairy Queen" to spend "still more of" my savings. On the way, my wife, Rhonda and I typically have this exchange:

Rhonda: Did you flush the toilet downstairs?
Bill: No.
Rhonda: Did you pick up your underwear off the kitchen table?
Bill: Does its matter?
Rhonda: Probably not.

So we go to the Dairy Queen, come back, see the "Realtor's" card on the table, and know with Socratic certainty that we will not get an offer in our lifetime from the "people" who just looked at our house. They generally react to it the same way they would if they found a rotting, partially disemboweled giant squid in our basement.

Yard too small. One-car attached garage. Those are the two most-cited fatal flaws. That and the fact that in Sioux City right now, there are roughly 234 houses for sale for every house buyer.

And it's even more fun when people go out of their way to tell us about houses that sell in 20 seconds, either in Sioux City or elsewhere - either because they think it gives me hope, that it's funny, or to basically kick me in the ribs. Please, tell me again how your sister put her house on the market and it sold in a day. What a great source of encouragement for me! I would now like you to hit my right leg with this large sledgehammer as hard as you can! And be sure to ask me every single day if my house as sold yet! Because talking about it helps me deal with my extreme rage!

Believe it or not, there are some silver linings in the toxic cloud of owning the Leper House that Nobody would Take for Free:

Martyrdom Has its Privileges: I pretty much love being the martyr. I used to volunteer for the crappiest jobs just to soak up the sympathy. Why do you think I'm writing this? An ugly section of me wakes up screaming "PITY ME! I'm forced to live apart from my beloved wife and children! Because I had to quit a job I liked to take one I like even more!"

Oh, I get a rush every time female co-workers look at me with those mother eyes and say, "It's spring, I'm sure it will sell soon!" I remember that look from when I was trying to "date." I enjoy pity so much I give it to myself all the time. A very large part of me wants to say "screw it" take it off the market, get a job cutting meat in Sioux City and live on mac and cheese. I'd get major pity points! That way, eventually, the bank would get our house and it would be their problem.

At Least the Job is Sweet: I got a great job out of the deal, at least. Working for a hep cat ad agency in greater Des Moines. People are great. Work is great. Love it all around. It's just the home life that's a fractured mess. And, my current employers allow me to "work from home" on Fridays, thereby cutting one day a week off my separation. For which I am grateful (yet still I whine).

Confirmation of My Love of Real Estate Transactions: Buying selling houses, even when everything goes right, makes going to the dentist to get fillings replaced seem like box seats at the Super Bowl. I know why people rent apartments. You move somewhere, you just walk out. Maybe if we do finally sell the White Elephant in Sioux City, we'll move into a three-bedroom tent somewhere.

It's Not like I'm Starving: Yeah, yeah. It could be worse. If pressed, I have to admit we're all well-fed and healthy. There's much worse in the world that could befall us. This is a lesson in perspective. And, if God is in control of this deal -- and I believe he is -- then there must be some reason for all the machinations. Just gotta keep the faith. Maybe he's delaying the sale so I'd have something to write about, which is why this bad boy is 1280 words long.

I think someone looked at our house last weekend. I'll have to fire up the Sprint PCS digital home comm link later today to find out for sure. Rhonda can tell me how many realtor cards, if any, were on the table Sunday night. I'm sure someone will call with an offer that pencils out to only a few thousand under what we owe plus Realtor's fees (at least someone's making money on this deal!).

Now I'm thinking positive! I better take an aspirin.

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