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The Hyman Maneuver

By Bill Zahren
(Posted 09/22/00)

Here's the reason I watch the over-produced, over-hyped Olympics every four years: they're filled with regular people like me doing amazing, freaky, out-of-body stuff. And they're a weird combination humility and "you-want-a-piece-of-me, Sparky?" attitude.

And they star people like Misty Hyman, who is my new personal hero.

Misty is what the Olympics are all about. She proved it in a race with Australia's mighty "Madam Butterfly" Susie O'Niell. O'Niell had not lost a major butterfly race in six years. Other butterflyers don't even feel worthy to look upon her.

Be ye not afraid, for lo, Misty rocks. She jumped in the pool on Sept. 20 and beat O'Niell in the 200 'fly. It was like some high-school nobody picking Jordan clean and dunking him big and bad or some college freshman spanking Tiger Woods on the course.

Misty's story about brings tears to your eyes. Wracked with self-doubt and her confidence shot, she almost quit competitive swimming in May. But she hung tough, gutted it out. And with about 20 meters to go in The Race, Misty got freaky. A little part of her brain stood up and screamed, "No (really bad synonym for intercourse) way. I'm winning this thing or dying in the effort. I'm spanking me some Madam Butterfly butt today." So Misty crushed her personal best time by three seconds and beat the unbeatable O'Niell.

"I was just so in the moment, I was just flowing in it," said on MSNBC.com. "I knew I was doing well. I knew if I just stayed with my rhythm, that would carry me through." That, my friends, is a great description of the mystical "Zone" that people get in when they're just feelin' it, big time.

Meanwhile, I'm freaking out in my West Des Moines, Iowa living room. "BOOO-YEAH, she beat her ASS. SA-WEEEEEEET. Misty ROCKS! Put that in your kangaroo pipe and smoke it miss Haven't-Lost-in-Six-Years. Can you FEEEEEEEEL that? Oh yeah. YEAH, baby."

OK, I regret the kangaroo Australian slur thing. O'Niell is probably a very nice person and undeserving of my taunts. I apologize. Heat of the moment. But I won't apologize for the emotion. I'm still wired about it.

Then they showed that shot they always show, the one where the winner looks up at the scoreboard to see that they did, in fact, win. Misty had to look at look at it for about a minute. Round cheeks glowing, blue eyes sparkling -- striking. Then she was truly freaked out with joy, repeating "Oh my God" over and over as teammate Kaitlin Sandeno, who was also in the race, came swimming over the ropes like a coked up dolphin to celebrate with Misty.

Everywhere in the world, fans of the underdog stood up on our hind legs and howled. Thank you, Misty, for the moment.

Misty's win was a jewel in the NBC coverage, which seems to be fixated on swimming and gymnastics. As my co-worker Mike "Red" Ferrari said, "What's with all the gymnastics and swimming?" Yeah, I don't get it either. There are lots of other sports at the Olympics, so what gives with the pool and balance beam fetish?

The thing that bugs me about the gymnastics, besides that whole ultra-tiny women flying through the air thing, is there's something like 0.09098% margin for error. I can't watch it because I get all nerved up. One tiny little toe in the wrong position and IT'S OVER FOR HER!

I know they're doing their best and I hate to criticize people, but NBC gymnastics commentators Al Trautwig, Tim Daggett and Elfi Schlegel are as lame as a gymnast with a stress fracture. The hallmark of their coverage is their total vigilance for even the slightest mistake. Yeah, I guess the gymnasts are doing some good things, but we wouldn't know it listening to the Three at the Mike with their vulturous attention to error. Last night during the all-around finals, Trautwig pretty much wrote competitors off before they even started the events.

Gymnast A lands a triple flipping screw-driver-like double twisting pike maneuver with her heel out of bounds and we get:

Trautwig: It's over for her! That's it! She has NO CHANCE TO WIN. She is beyond SCREWED in this competition. Might as well just stop the exercise right now.

Schlegel: Wow does she SUCK!

Daggett: UN-BELIEVEABLE.

That's Tim's favorite expression. Unbelievable. Says it 54 times per hour. Everything is unbelievable.

Beside the fact that breathing in the wrong spot can cost you the gold, I have trouble with sports that are scored strictly subjectively as in gymnastics and figure skating. You have five or six people deciding the deal. It's bogus. The little attitudinal Russian gymnast, who is so winning-is-everything mentally that she almost threw her team silver back into the crowd, can't really settle anything in the competition.

"You want some of me, Sparky, well let's just do balance beam and these six old judges will tell us who's best!" That's about as trashy as it gets in gymnastics.

I prefer the events where there's no middle man giving you some kind of made up score. You just look at your competitor and say, "You and me, buddy. It's go time."

Misty! Unbelievable.

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