Pressdog.com

Dear Minnesota Vikings:

By Bill Zahren
(Posted 01/15/01)

Please move to San Antonio. Since San Antonio resident Red McCombs bought the team a few years ago, there’s been the “going to move to San Antonio” rumor going around. It’s usually in conjunction with the standard NFL blackmail: “give us a publicly financed $700-million stadium or we’ll move.”

Ah, so the inadequacy of your home field, the Metrodome, explains why you sucked so hard the blimp nearly fell from the sky on Sunday.

Now it’s clear to me. If you had a better home field, with more cash-producing skyboxes and a bigger cut of the $7 beers, then you would’ve managed at least a field goal Sunday. Actually, it’s the fans’ fault. It’s all so clear to me now. Lack of fan support is why you got your male reproductive parts picked through the tops of your skulls in New York Sunday.

The final score, you’ll recall, was 41-0 -- and it wasn’t that close. It could have been 62-0. It was a league-record 34-0 at half time. The Giants played their second-string QB in the last quarter. They had mercy on you.

So now that the Vikings have been beheaded like the bull in Apocalypse Now, I read again that you “may move to San Antonio.” I feel like Clint Eastwood: Go ahead. Make my day. I’d grieve for several minutes as I pitched my Minnesota Vikings sweatshirts, jerseys, flag and sundry other stuff.

If you moved the team, that would give me a great excuse to just stop being a fan of the Vikings and of the entire cash-worshiping, cheap-shotting, end-zone-dancing, self-flagellating National Pose For the Camera League. See, if you moved, I’d be out of my misery and could claim the moral high ground: you abandoned me, not vice versa.

The only thing is, if you moved I’d feel sorry for fans who actually enjoy watching you play. And there are some. They’re all not as disgusted as I am. Those fans probably accept full responsibility for the Vikings get their manhood ripped out on national TV. Those fans can just shrug, say “they did they’re best and we’ll try again next year” and go about their lives. No big deal.

How I envy them. As for me, I’m tired of just being in the playoffs year after year. After nearly 30 years rooting for you, I’m seeing diminishing returns. The cost has become more than the benefit.

I know, I know, pro football is brutal stuff. Fans like me wouldn’t last four minutes playing or coaching in the NFL. It’s not like a team can win by “just wanting it more.” And I know you can’t just say, “Hey, our fans deserve a Super Bowl” and make it happen. Fair enough. Maybe you’re doing your best. But I have to decide if that’s good enough to justify my time and emotional investment. There’s a lot of competition for my attention and disposable income, you know.

One thing is clear, I’m not doing enough. If only we had some more Purple Pride! After the game, Viking wide receiver Randy Moss, who set a new mark in self-absorption a week ago by referring to himself in third person by his number (as in, “You can’t let number 84 get going, or he’ll hurt you,”) wondered if the Vikings can ever win a title in Minnesota.

Ahhhh, we’re back to LOCATION. Um, Randy, maybe if you played every down, that might help. Maybe if you didn’t pout about not getting the ball thrown at you 71 times a game. Maybe if you shut your cake hole about number 8-4 and tried being a team player. At least then you’d lose with honor.

So I’m thinking of bailing on the Vikings and the entire NFL in 2001. I’m talking about not watching a single play by any team all next season. I know you and Number 84 won’t be able to sleep at night without my support. It’s fortunate that the NFL stands for No Fan Love. The league is all about the players being self-absorbed and doing dances and striking gangsta poses. I’m not sure I want to be a part of that any more.

I’m considering spending my Sunday afternoons from September 2001 through January 2002 by doing something like reading a book or working on the book I’ve written, taking the kids to a movie, or to the theater, or to a college sporting event or to play in the park. Right now, all of those are beating y’all out for my entertainment dollar.

It’s the same feeling I had when I quit playing golf. Every time I finished a round, I immediately thought of everything I could have done with the time and money I just spent on self-torture. So I quit the game and now only play a couple times a year with my Dad. Let the guys who enjoy it spend thousands on golf.

I’m ready for your “disloyal fan” accusation. But is it loyalty or stupidity to have the same train run over you every January for 30 years? At some point, it might be time to get off the tracks.

I still haven’t decided what to do. Maybe if Red apologized for some of the worst football I’ve ever witnessed. Maybe if Red or coach Denny Green (as if) said, “You know, we sucked. We embarrassed our fans. It’s our fault” instead blaming everyone from The Media to the stadium to a lack of Purple Pride(!) among the fans.

I just wish you would have gotten butchered 41-0 (again, it wasn’t that close) at home so the Purple Pride! fans could have booed ‘til they were hoarse and walked out at half time. Stunning to see you get killed on national TV in front of an empty Metrodome (which, as we’ve said, is the real source of your playoff crappiness).

Y'all could make my decision easy by moving to San Antonio due to “lack of fan support.” That would give me an excuse to make a clean break of it. As it is now, we Viking fans are left to hobble back to our jobs today, endure the ridicule and hope the boot marks on our groin regions will eventually fade.

After 30 years, it just may be time to stop adding scar tissue.

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