Pressdog.com

Judge This

By Bill Zahren
(Posted 02/15/02)

Consider this axiom that’s been rolling around my head ever since the Canadian pairs skaters got seriously snaked at the Olympics:

The less involvement by judges in a sport, the purer the sport.

I’m starting to like that a lot. Of course, that makes non-contact sports like golf, downhill skiing, speed skating and track among the most pure sports, because there’s very little subjectivity involved.

But I’m still liking the “no judges” test in sports. I’m starting to dig anything where you can perform the entire event without once hearing from a referee or judge. Events based on who’s fastest don’t require some nutty zebra scoring or anything. You just race. First one to the line wins.

Same deal with golf. It’s in bounds or it’s not. You swung at it or you didn’t. It’s in the hole or it's not. Pretty black and white. Not like figure skating, the scoring of which, I’m sorry, is lame.

My sister, Teresa, is big figure skating fan. She’s glued to it. Loves those little Pixie Chicks. Loves to watch the men fling them some of 60 feet down the ice like Frisbees. And, between us, I think she likes to argue with the judges.

Of course Teresa would give extra points for “cutest hair” and “seems nicest.” Don’t misunderstand. Figure skaters are amazing athletes. I’d never, ever diss their athletic ability. I can’t even stand on skates and they do quadruple flips while coming downstairs for breakfast, so I’m not worthy to comment on their athleticism.

What’s lame is the “judging.” Witness the recent nationally televised sodomization of the Canadian pair, Jamie Sale and David Pelletier. Jamie and David made no mistakes. The Russian pair, Yelena Berezhnaya and Anton Sikharulidze, made some mistakes in their “routine.” The judges gave the gold to the Russians. The crowd booed. Everyone who watched screamed “BEND OVER!” and Sales cried. Man, I hate that.

Today the Olympic Mack Daddies gave both pairs a gold medal, which is still gooney. The Canadians just had the good luck to be screwed right on national TV. Other skaters who have gotten corn holed off camera can just shut up about it, I guess.

Of course part of the uproar comes from the fact that Americans love Canadians and we’re not so hot for the Russians. Iron Curtain, Stalin, Communism, that whole deal is hard to let go of. Let’s at least be up front about that. The Russians have won pairs skating forever, so we’re rooting hard for those cute Canucks.

I personally am ready to go to war any second for Canada. I wanted to move to Toronto at one point in my life. And Jamie Sale is a babe. No denying that. Which brings me back to my point — all those considerations seem to be on the table when it comes to “judging.”

If a skating judge doesn’t like an ensemble or thinks the skaters’ obligatory kabuki makeup is a little extra frightening or felt snubbed by the little Canadian shrew at a restaurant somewhere in 1998, the judge can nail them on the score.

And, ah, what do you expect from figure skating? That and gymnastics. We’re talking about scores that are measured in tenths and hundredths of points. How can a human eye discern the 0.1 performance difference between a 5.7 and a 5.8 score? What makes one balance beam routine a 9.876 and the other a 9.91? It’s nuts.

Figure skating has plenty of company in the crazy “judged sports” world. The entire college football system is basically a judged deal. Two teams are judged by coaches, sportswriters and a computer to be worthy to play for the “national title” while the rest can just piss off.

College football’s Heisman Trophy goes to the “best college football player in the country” — who plays on offense at a Division I school and touches the ball a lot (excluding the center) and has a really good marketing department behind him.

Too bad, because, like I said, figure skaters (and gymnasts) are amazing athletes. The Russian pair is as screwed in this as the Canadians. “Oh yeah,” commentators will say from now until forever, “that’s the pair who got the gold medal when the Canadians got (rhymes with TRUCKED).”

So while we’re respecting and marveling at the athletic ability of figure skaters and gymnasts, let’s remember their fate rests in the hands of “judges.” There’s no way to score figure skating without judges, so there you go.

Did the Canadians get screwed? Sure. Is there anything we can do about it? Nope. Now that they've given two gold medals, it will certainly go down as the Figure Skating Goat Rodeo Olympics. The Canadians were forced to win their gold in the courts rather than on the ice.

Plus, they got screwed out of The Olympic Moment -- the feeling that comes the instant you realize you won the gold and returns later when you hear your national anthem and see your flag raised. (Insert the sound of Bill weeping like a child here.)

Instead, they got: "Yeah, I remember when the press release came out and our attorney told us the tribunal ruled that we won the GOLD!" Close, but not quite the same. The only consolation is the fact that Sale and Pelletier are probably getting MORE attention and adulation because they got hosed so badly in the first place.

And just wait until the ice dancing competition. There are emerging third world countries that are less political than ice dancing. The 2002 Olympic ice dancing winners were probably chosen before the actual skating. I think the pairs may even skate while wearing their medals. 90% of the field might as well go home because the judges (both men and women) will be in the rest room fixing their hair while they perform.

The only reason to watch it to marvel at the athletic ability and vote for Most Garish Makeup. Let me know how it turns out. I long ago stopped watching gymnastics and skating, in part because performances that are anything less than perfect are treated like a still-warm piles of human excrement.

Instead, I’ll be watching Olympic women's ice hockey or luge or some sport that's still played by amateurs. That, I judge, is more worthy of my time and attention than whether or not the French judge made a deal that may or may not have included a ritual goat sacrifice and a 5.9 score to be named later.

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