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Mr. Metabolism is Angry
Part 1 of P-Dog on a Diet
By Bill Zahren
(Posted 03/19/02)
Wow, my metabolism is really
pissed off at me.
Oh, he’s a bad actor, Mr. Metabolism,
a pissy, lazy bastard I’ve been trying to get off the physiological
couch my whole life. Which is why two months ago I turned
to some “personal nutrition management” (diet) software to
strip off sheets of fat currently preventing the general viewing
public from appreciating the sculpted, woman-killing body
I just KNOW is under there, somewhere.
I’ve been “watching what I
eat” since age 12. Tried everything. Weight Watchers points.
Protein Power. Eating only lettuce and carrots. Grapefriut
and eggs. I even got on The Junk (ephedrine) for a while.
My body just belly laughed at it all — even the allegedly
“fat burning” ephedrine. (FDA label warning: all claims may
or may not be made up. You’re on your own, Sparky.)
All these years of “watching
what I eat” have only confirmed this biological fact: I
have the metabolism of a corpse.
“Metabolism” (or “metabolic
rate”) indicates how fast or slow your body burns calories.
Your age, sex, when and how much you eat, how often you exercise
and how much muscle you’re packin’ all affect your metabolic
rate. He’s a cruel trickster, Mr. Metabolism.
He’ll go into hyper slow burn
mode just to make sure ANYTHING I eat at KFC makes me gain
1 to 3 pounds. Driving by a KFC puts half a pound on me. A
supersized McDonalds fries makes me inflate like the Michelin
Man. Thanks to my extinct metabolism, I can gain weight eating
two Pop Tarts while Muffy the wired Gymnast Pixie can eat
a bag of pork rinds and jar of peanut butter and still complain
about her size one Spandex ensemble “being a little big in
the butt.”
My latest, probably futile
weight loss effort revolves around Diet Power 2.4 Personal
Nutrition Management software. 18 MB. $49.99 (www.dietpower.com.
Free trial versions available!). Huge food dictionary. Memory
like a steel trap. Flawless math abilities. Cute apple graphic
-- striking.
Here’s how it works. First
you enter your personal data — sex, weight, height, whether
you smoke, date of birth, current weight (no cheating!) and
what you want to weigh by when. Diet Power then tells you
how many calories you can consume a day and reach your goal
weight. You then log EVERYTHING you eat. Diet Power adds up
the calories and offers nutritional analysis. You also log
your physical activity in terms of calorie burn.
The activity dictionary offers
listings for all kinds of activity. It even has a calorie
burn rate for “sexual intercourse.” You have your choice of
“leisurely,” “average” and “intense." Your “average” (obviously
referring to effort, not skill) 20 minutes of doing the nasty
burns about 140 calories (about one beer’s worth).
The chart also says I burn
175 calories riding the friggin’ stationary exercycle for
30 minutes. 15 minutes of serious weightlifting burns off
132. When you start Diet Power for the first time each day,
it asks your weight and then tracks your girth change over
time via line chart. I weighed 215.7 pounds when I started
up Diet Power on Jan. 14 and this morning I tipped the scales
buck naked at 205 (mostly muscle, I swear).
Losing 10.7 grudging pounds
in two months is my body’s version of “wasting away.” But,
the Diet Power Calorie Nazi says I’m “on pace” to hit my goal
of 190 by July 15. I haven’t weight 190 since college the
mid-80s. I was down to 206 on my birthday, February 7, but
the ensuing birthday food orgy made me gain THREE POUNDS overnight.
I said, “You gotta be (rhymes with trucking) me” while standing
on the scale the next morning.
On February 8, Diet Power rebuked
me. “Are you sure you entered everything you ate on February
7?” it said, incredulous that anyone could gain three pounds
in a day. Silly software. It has never dealt with the Zahren
metabolism. Big plate of butter-oil-and-cheese-intensive Italian
food, bread with oil on it, big piece of chocolate cake, candy
bar and WHAM, three pounds of fat. I’m lucky I stayed under
250.
Here’s the really fun part
— it takes me TEN DAYS of strict eating to burn off ONE POUND.
But now Mr. Metabolism is getting REALLY pissed. I am under
210 pounds and I’m threatening to go under 205. Walking by
a candy machine makes me shake so bad I almost fall down.
Visions of basketball-sized wads of onion rings haunt me all
day. My dreams are filled with images of laundry baskets full
of my all-time favorite — theater popcorn.
“Bring it on, Computer Boy!”
my body screams at Diet Power every morning as I enter my
weight. Here’s the kicker: if you don’t lose weight as expected
by the “normal” metabolism curve, Diet Power automatically
decreases your daily calorie allowance.
“Oh yeah,” Diet Power barks
as it recalculates, “Let’s see you gain weight on 59 fewer
calories a day, Fat Boy!”
My current daily calorie budget
is 2,069. Diet Power has made it clear he’ll go lower. So
it’s war. Biology vs. Bitrate. Metabolism vs. Megahertz. How
will it come out? Speedo or Sans-a-Belt? We’ll find out in
July.
In the meantime, two months
of keeping painstaking track of everything I eat plus a lifetime
of “watching my trucking weight” has taught me some lessons.
We’ll talk about them in Part II.
Right now, I’m dying for a
sausage McMuffin® with egg (+440 calories).
Truck. (-140).
© 2001 Bill Zahren
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