Academic Heisman Marketing Costs
Spiral into Triple Digits

By Bill Zahren
(Posted 10/19/02)

Universities around the country are pouring "tens, perhaps hundreds" of dollars into winning their students the prestigious academic Heisman Trophy, according to sources within academia.

"We have a senior geology major who can tell feldspar from mica at 100 yards," said University of Huge Enrollment geology professor Dr. William Phictional. "Best I’ve seen in my 27 years here."

Phictional and his colleagues have gone into high gear to win that student, Mortimer Rockstar, a senior from Council Bluffs, Iowa, the academic Heisman Trophy. The department even made a promotional poster featuring a photo of Rockstar superimposed over the Parthenon in Athens. "Mortimer Rocks!" is printed at the bottom along with the university logo.

Phictional confessed that the posters cost "upwards of $3 each to produce." The cost would have been "significantly higher" if sophomore graphic design major Cindy Dontexist hadn’t created the posters as a class project.

"I did have a bit of trouble finding a photo of Mortimer I could sit on the Parthenon without having that sort of parked on the toilet feel to it," Dontexist said. Not to be out done, interstate rival Big-Time State University has budgeted "something north of $150" to win the academic Heisman for its scholastic superstar, Lucy Geegnome, a junior molecularly biology major from Sioux City.

"This kid is an artist with an electron microscope," said molecular biology professor Dr. Jenny Pretendperson. "By her second year in lab, I was the student and she was the teacher. With Lucy calling the signals, frankly, our biology team just shreds disease organisms’ defenses."

Professor Pretendperson said the Molecular Biology Alumni Boosters (MBAB) volunteers were busy addressing postcards to key Academic Heisman voters. "It’s a strain on our $150-budget," Pretendperson admitted, "but we’re hoping some key bake sales will push that budget to around $200. That could mean the difference for Lucy."

Rockstar and Geegnome both said they’re flattered by the attention, but they get satisfaction from just competing.

"It’s nice to be considered, but I’m just going out there and trying to become the best geologist I can," Rockstar said. "With all the attention, I just have to step up and take my geology game to a the next level."

Geegnome downplayed her candidacy. "Just here trying to get an education," Geegnome said as she hustled across campus to her 3 p.m. virus class, trailing a horde of reporters and photographers. "If winning the academic Heisman inspires other Iowa kids to dream of unlocking the cure for cancer, that’s great. But right now, fixing the leak in the biology building roof is a bigger deal for me."

Their students’ successes are just the latest in a string of all-Americans Phictonal and Pretendperson have turned out. Recent rumors had Phictonal in line for a whopping 4.2% raise from the university. Pretendperson is said to be close to signing a lucrative Bunsen burner endorsement deal.

"This is not about me," said Phictional, who also hosts a weekly geology highlights show on public access cable. "It’s about building a successful program. All the attention just reminds me where the university’s main priority is -- educating kids."

Pretendperson said marketing star players has become a fact of life for big-time academic programs. "If Lucy winning the academic Heisman gets us a new indoor biology practice facility, well, worse things could happen. The fact is, to build a competitive biology program you have to be able to practice year-round."

Both professors estimated they’d be mailing "a couple dozen" promotional postcards and posters, maybe even taking the unprecedented step of marketing their candidates through small ads deep in the newspaper’s entertainment section.

Athletic officials privately grumble that the academic Heisman efforts are forcing their players to "wash and reuse" water bottles after each game, even in the cold and flu season. One school reported their third-string receivers recently had to make due with gray gloves rather than transitioning to white as planned.

"Academic recognition is hyper-competitive," said Pretendperson, defending what some see as lavish spending on academics. "Academics are a great source of pride and entertainment for our alumni. Hey, the world has a lot of problems for Lucy's generation to fix. So the stakes are high. I feel like we finally have the candidate to win it all."

© 2002 Bill Zahren

Printer-friendly version

-- end --