California Has Finally Gone Insane
By Bill Zahren
(Posted 08/07/03)
California -- the land of golden sun, fast cars, surgically altered beautiful people and be-shaded movie stars -- has finally gone completely mental.
Which makes me wonder why so many people are so hot to move there. I mean, the taxes and cost of living are high, the traffic is bad, the schools are knee-deep in the hurt locker and political knife fights break out every week to ten days. Does the weather REALLY make up for all that? Is the chance to glimpse Gary Busey coming out of Spago once a year REALLY worth it?
You'll forgive my pissy tone, but we Iowans are always hearing how our state is pig crap compared to mighty California. We hear how people would rather go a year without valet parking than move here. In 1999 I had a chance to join the flock and move to tony San Diego, but passed it up to stay here in backward old Iowa. Four years later the decision keeps looking better and better.
Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack is also looking pretty darn good these days. Not to say Tommy V. is perfect. The local paper recently had big stories about Vilsack’s inability to use this new-fangled e-mail stuff. And he gets into umpire-and-baseball manager-type fights with the Legislature weekly -- but at least nobody’s (seriously) suggesting a recall vote.
Which is what they got going in California. Suffering under a world-of-shit economy and with their state government $38 billion in the hole, nearly 1 million Californians signed a petition to recall Democratic Gov. Gray Davis. The vote is set for Oct. 7.
Maybe it’s all that California sun. The Vitamin D the body produces in sunlight may have reached toxic levels in Californians. Maybe they’re still shell-shocked from last year's energy shortage that made everyone in L.A. wish they lived somewhere with more reliable power like, say, Afghanistan.
Or maybe this is just an outgrowth of California’s ballot initiative fetish. Californians are always voting on "laws" that limit or mandate their state government. It all started in 1978 with Proposition 13, which limited property tax growth to 1% per year, and has continued at seemingly two or three initiatives a year since. The collective result has tied down California's massive state government like the billion tiny Lilliputian ropes tied down massive Gulliver.
With the long history of adding laws by popular vote, maybe the next logical step is to subtract politicians by popular vote.
On the very same ballot Californians will vote yes or no to fire Davis, they'll also select who should succeed him -- if he gets canned. But only the people who vote to toss him out can vote for a replacement -- and Davis won't be listed as a candidate. Sure, it's screwy. But then again Southern California's smog index just hit a seven-year high, so maybe there's some connection.
The sad news is, changing governors probably isn’t going to do much beyond creating new orders for gubernatorial stationery. Raising taxes in California requires a two-thirds majority of the Legislature and the Republicans are saying, "Read my lips." If you try to make up $38 billion with just cuts, well, best of luck on that deal.
Davis apparently remains high on wheatgrass because he’s vowed to "fight like a Bengal tiger" to remain in office. The voters, on the other hand, have taken to Davis like a wounded antelope takes to the aforementioned Bengal.
Davis ran a vicious campaign -- even by California standards -- to get re-elected. There have been allegations that Davis hid the true size of the state deficit until just after the he was re-elected. Since then he's displayed all the warmth of and political creativity of a Komodo dragon. The public has responded by giving Davis a 21% approval rating. You could probably find more Californians in favor of banning the use of automobiles in the state than in favor of keeping Davis.
The Republicans see a chance to use California's vote-on-everything fetish to toss Davis out. The Demos claim the GOP is usurping democracy. They also have their union-made undies in a twist over whether to get someone on the ballot in case Gov. Warmth gets fragged in the recall vote.
President Bush's official position is hands off. But from a coldly political perspective, the GOP should just let Gray Davis twist. I don’t see him improving things much before 2004, unless the national economy as a whole takes off (which G.W. says could happen any day now. Really). So don’t look for things to get any rosier in CA before 2004, at which time Gray becomes Bush’s campaign whipping boy.
From an equally cold perspective, the Demos may secretly be OK with Davis getting tossed out in favor of a Republican. Then, when the new guy fails to right the ship, they can say the Republicans are all hat and no cattle (non-Iowa translation: all show and no substance) during the '04 campaign.
What I don't understand is why in the world would anyone want to take over this California government goat rodeo? People who file to get on the ballot should be checked for toxic levels of Botox in their brain stems.
All you need to get on the ballot is the signatures of 65 voters and $3,500. (The consent of your therapist is encouraged, but not required.) Which means, of course, that there will be hundreds, maybe thousands of people signing up to try and replace Davis. (The filing deadline is 5 p.m. Pacific time on Aug. 8.) Why don’t you just pay me $3,500 to hit you in the toes with a hammer once a day for three years? Same deal as getting elected governor of California.
Austrian-born actor and former Mr. Olympia Arnold Schwarzenegger (tan pecs, Terminator shades, waxed bikini line -- striking) entered the race Wednesday, promising to crush the skulls of his opponents and challenging Davis to a bodybuilding-style pose down. (OK, I made that up). I hear Bill Murray is considering entering the race on a "that's-the-facts,-JACK" platform.
Oh, and by the way, the recall election will cost the state about $35 million. Much better use of the money than spending it on, say, schools. From out here in boring old Iowa, it's like watching a train wreck -- you’re horrified, yet you just can’t look away.
There is, just coincidentally, plenty of room here in Iowa for people tired of the California "good life." You’ll have to put up with great schools and learn to live without all the traffic. Wheatgrass is tough to find and our version of going to an oxygen bar is walking to the center of the nearest soybean field.
But, above all, I hope the idea of replacing governors like you’d replace a losing baseball manager or football coach doesn't catch on. I much prefer electing one governor every four years.
But then again I’m just a hick from podunk Iowa. And thank God for that.
©2003 Bill Zahren
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