Pressdog.com

‘Tis the Season to Panic

By Bill Zahren
(Posted on 12/20/03)

We’re here today to talk about the thing that strikes more terror into the average male heart than even the phrase “extended IRS audit.”

Here I’m plainly referring to Christmas shopping.

HEY. Easy there, men. Didn’t mean to spook you. You can come out from under the bed now, because the good news is you still have a few days to get the job done. We can do it! There is nothing to be afraid of! Now, come on, and get out there and FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT.

OK, forget that. Instead, let’s do what all men do at Christmas time: panic. We need to get the panic out of the way early so we can get down to some serious shopping sometime before 9 p.m. December 24. That is just not a good time to start your shopping, men. At that hour, about the best you can hope for is a 6-pack of Bud and an ice scraper from the local convenience store. Hardly the gift that says, “I love you.” In fact, about all that gift says is “it’s OK to drink and scrape.”

But if we start now, that means we have plenty of time to panic and still snap out of it sometime around December 22, giving us two whole days to shop. That’s like several months to men.

This looks like a good time for Bill’s Christmas Shopping Tip Number 1: NO SKILLETS. Men’s propensity to give skillets goes way back, as evidenced by hieroglyphics of virile warriors delivering a round disk with a handle to the fertile woman in one picture, and the fertile woman making the virile male unable to perform any duties, husbandly or otherwise, in the next picture.

I think men like skillets a lot because they have the two big Male Gift Qualities going for them: There are no sizes involved and you can find one most anywhere, sometimes even in hardware stores. For men, that’s like manna from heaven. With skillets, you can pop to the store, grab a big one, pick up a box of shotgun shells and blaze-orange hat while you’re there and get back home before kickoff. Perfect.

I’ve seen guys buying skillets. They get up there and they pick out the biggest one with the highest-tech sounding Teflon coating on it, something like “Xaxzion Aero No-Stik.” Money is no object for these men because, dang it, they really love their wives. And for that special occasion, they go way, way overboard and give the gift that says, “Happy to be your life partner”: an ELECTRIC frying pan.

So it comes as a complete shock when, after taking upwards of eight minutes to pick out this impressive, love-you-babe present, women burst into tears upon opening it. Why? Because giving the Christmas skillet has the warmth and personal touch of a rockslide.

So skillets and all similar kitchen devices are out. You can probably also rule out anything that features an electric cord, which excludes even major appliances (although I’d have to think long and hard before ruling out a refrigerator with an ice maker in the door). Which brings us to Bill’s Christmas Shopping Tip Number 2, which I am giving away to you at great personal cost since I use this tip most every year: Mannequin shopping.

Yes, men. Mannequins are definitely your friends. No, not in a romantic way (necessarily), but rather because they have been dressed by professional sales personnel most of whom are women, who work at fine retail stores yet make less then the men who work there. Think about it, ya big lugs. Women have already picked out these clothes! You can have some confidence that they match and everything. The bonuses just keep rolling in.

So sometime before December 24 (you’d think I wouldn’t have to continue to emphasize that, but, trust me, I do) you wait until your wife is gone and you dive into her chest of drawers. This is OK for you to do. If you have lived with a woman, perhaps watched her give birth to various children, you can sure look in her drawers. I think it’s even in the Bible somewhere. So get in there and yank out some pants that you’ve seen her wear that appear attractive and read the tag. Make notes on the sizes. I’m advising you to actually write it down on a piece of paper. Otherwise, when you get to Sears, the sizes will fly out your head the second you see the new Craftsman 5hp routers.

Repeat the procedure for shirts, dresses, shoes, yes, even underwear. You can do this. It’s not gene splicing.

Then, armed with your notes, go to one of your fine, local, taxpaying businesses and look for a mannequin. When you find one that appears to be attractively dressed, just find the items on the mannequin in your wife’s size. The truly pathetic — and you know who you are — can grab sales personnel, point to the mannequin, thrust your notes into the sales personnel’s hand and grunt. She’ll get the picture. Odds are she also has a walnut-brained husband, so she’ll probably appreciate even this rudimentary effort and have pity on your Y-chromosomed personage.

Pay for it (some people need to be reminded) and go home. But, remember Bill’s Christmas Shopping Tip Number 3: KEEP THE RECEIPT. Maybe even put it in the box before you wrap it (or put it in the grocery sack with the gift before you tape it shut and put a bow on it). That way, if you’ve chosen mannequins poorly, your wife can just take it back. It’s one step up from a gift certificate.

Easy. No guilt. No frying pans. Merry Christmas.

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