It's Not Your Fault the Refs are Idiots

By Bill Zahren
(Posted 05/23/03)

It's gotten to the point where I can no longer sit by little old ladies at Drake University Division I women's basketball games. Because even there I feel like a bar fight may break out any moment. And I may be in the center of it.

Call me "Mr. High Standards" if you must, but hearing a 71-year-old woman scream, "COME ON, OPEN YOUR EYES!" for 3 hours (40 minutes of playing time plus 2 hours 20 minutes of "TV time-outs") isn't my idea of a great way to spend my time and money.

It is, however, a great place to confirm the remarkable rise of "values" in the American voting public. There you'll find abundant evidence of this nation's yearning to return to a time of love, respect, accountability and high morals in the form of spittle-infused tirades at the referees that characterize virtually every basketball game at every level.

It's interesting to note that I'm no stranger to such aspersions. And it's not because I'm a certified soccer ref (now retired). No, I'm something even more odious and worthy of disrespect -- a registered Democrat.

That places me, as I'm sure you'll agree, squarely in league with Satan. There are parts of Iowa -- yes, mild-mannered Iowa -- where I cannot come out of the closet as a Democrat for fear of having my car burned by my caring Christian brothers and sisters.

One of those values voters was probably sitting behind me at the last Drake women's game I attended. He was the paunchy 50-something white guy who provided a kindly example of sportsmanship for my 9- and 11-year-old daughters by screaming (cupping his hands around his mouth to enhance his projection): "YOU'RE HORRIBLE, REF!"

The crowd around him congratulated him on "telling 'em."

Well speak it, brother. I would have directed him to Matthew 3:8, "Prove by the way you live that you have really turned from your sins and turned to God." But the ref is obviously an instrument of Satan (and therefore, a fellow registered Democrat) removing your obligation to obey the scriptures! We're pleased that you so forcefully pointed it out so the ref can seek guidance and self-betterment!

Just part of the magic of America. Where we've raised saying one thing and doing another to a high art form.

Basketball seems to be the worst. Easily the most ref abuse per minute of any sport. Return with me again to the aforementioned Drake women's game. Focus, if you will, on a 70-something guy toward the front who divided his spectating time between insulting the zebras and screaming extremely moral statements to the opponent's 21-year-old female point guard.

Only problem was the point guard's father was sitting about 23 seats away. Eventually, the Father of the Point Guard took some umbrage at the 70-something, "do-unto-others," values-based fan and walked over for some fellowship.

As the guy approached the taunting fan, for a split second I though, "hockey fight." I mean, doesn't every fight pretty much start with someone taking umbrage? All I'm saying is once umbrage is taken, you're on a slippery slope.

Confession: At the time I thought, "If court-side freak boy had been working over my daughter for three-quarters of a game, I it might just be Go Time." Again, that's probably just Satan talking.

But, the father of the point guard just said a few things, punctuated by pointing, and the returned to his seat. No gloves were dropped. 70-something fan just kind of blinked a lot and did manage to simmer down a little after that. Of course he still worked on the ref. It's not like refs are human or anything. Too bad the ref's father wasn't there to talk to the guy.

Which brings us to the NBA. (Trust me, it does.) On November 19, there was a melee at the end of the Pistons-Pacers game that spilled into the stands. Now, the idiot players who went into the stands and started punching people deserve what they get. The NBA commish did the right thing and kicked the instigating player out of the league for the rest of the year.

But while we're meting out punishment, how about a taste of the strap for the Detroit fans who had been showing their family values all night by screaming and throwing beer and debris at the Pacer's bench? Somehow I don't think they were screaming "JESUS SAVES!"

Newsflash: purchasing a ticket does not give you license to scream obscenities all night, flip the bird and throw beer on the players, coaches and refs. How about we kick some of those yahoos out too? Follow the European soccer league's example and ban the fan for life. How about we put their pictures and names in the paper? Again, I realize I'm a tool of Satan, but how about some accountability for those freaks in the stands?

The same public that rewards rude and boorish behavior -- Rollerball-like violence in sports, political attack ads, bald-faced lies on talk radio, chair-throwing fights on Jerry Springer -- will now go on and on about how the Pistons-Pacers game is an example of how Bill Clinton lowered the moral fabric of America. (Something this bad has to be Clinton's fault.) The fans will sue for billions, show up for court in a neck brace and do what Americans do very well -- play the victim.

Sigh. What's next? Chicken wire separating the fans from the court? It'll be awhile before I go to another basketball game. I just don't want to pay $50 so my family can listen to bloodlust crowd say horrible things about total strangers. And I don't think I'm the only one with that attitude.

But, sadly, I'm in the minority. Until these Thugfests stop attracting major cash flow in the form of tickets and TV revenue, I don't think anything will change. And there's not much the NBA commissioner can do to stop fans from being idiots. That will require us not just to talk about morals, but actually displaying some. All things are possible with God, which is fortunate, because it's going to take a miracle.

©2004 Bill Zahren

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