Pressdog.com

Computers are Evil

By Bill Zahren
(Posted 2/23/05)

I spent two hours Sunday working on my computer.

Not doing work with my computer, mind you, but working on my (insert profanity here) computer.

Which I say in the same sense that I would say, "I was working on my car." Except the analogy doesn't quite fit here, since most sane people understand that no matter how much they talk to a mechanic via phone or e-mail chat, trying to change your own brake pads is asking for a headache and/or hospital stay.

But, since the computer industry has created the perception that you can fix these things yourself, we all spend hours tweaking, changing, checking, swearing and hyperventilating.

And so it was Sunday night until I came to the point where I seriously considered ripping the machine's hard-drive brain out, dipping it in gasoline and setting it on fire.

It all started when my LOVELY computer stubbornly attempted -- seemingly of its own volition -- to use its modem to connect with the Internet. This despite the fact that we have a DSL line, which means the telephone modem is now useless for connecting to the Internet.

And yet, when the computer couldn't find the phone line (because, there is no phone line attached) an error message box would pop open telling me my password was not valid, when, in fact, it WAS VALID. Then my firewall program erupted into a ripple-fire of warnings that this and that program was trying to connect with the Internet. Was that, my firewall asked, OK with me?

How the (really bad swear word) should I know? Should I be afraid that this program is signaling the mothership to download all my personal financial data? Is this an identity theft caught in the act or a "business as usual" digital burp? And why, when I tell the firewall to "BLOCK" the connection, does the firewall continue to ask me the same question AGAIN AND AGAIN?

I soon had a question for the computer: "Your error messages are annoying. Should I beat you with a hammer until you are in tiny pieces?"

I eventually traced the whole problem back to my ill-fated decision to update some software that had been working perfectly fine.

Here's a tip: NEVER DO THAT.

Because just when you have everything going right, and have invested seven hours into getting all 10 billion settings set correctly and the many million check boxes selected or deselected, to the point where all the sundry programs on the computer are now living and working properly in total digital harmony, some goofy company will offer a software update.

And you figure, "Hey, Company X is updating their DSL software! I better download and install the update, because it says right here on their update site that it 'resolves several known issues for users.' "

Please, before you do that, go out and slam your head in a car door. If, after you regain consciousness and stem the bleeding, it still sounds like a good idea, then by all means "update your software."

The only possible exceptions to the no-update edict are updates that affect your Internet browser or Windows operating system. Those usually fix known flaws and security leaks and usually don't affect other programs. Usually.

Eventually, after about two hours of bliss trying to make it all work again with the updated software, I activated the disaster plan: the system-restoring feature of Windows XP. I went to Start/Help and Support and activated the "restore system" feature.

System restorer and the USB port are the greatest advancement in computer technology, maybe ever. Why? Because the system restorer is a giant undo button that can take your computer back to a time when it was actually working right. Reverting to old settings usually does not cause you to lose saved data such as Word documents. BUT, just to be safe, back up everything that's hyper precious onto a CD before you revert.

You can go back to before you updated that software or installed that new program that made everything freak out. I've used it maybe six times in the two years and each time I wept tears of thanksgiving that I had it.

So on the night of Sunday, Feb. 19, I backed up my important data (which for me is my entire My Documents folder) and then reverted my computer settings back to what they were on February 4, which was BEFORE I updated my DSL software and BEFORE I installed this free software a friend got from a big-brand clothing company offering the download of 10 free songs.

Now everything is back to normal, I didn't lose any data (and therefore didn't have to use my backup disc) and I've climbed down off Mount Rage.

Here's a free business model for someone: Computers that CANNOT be updated or changed. They come loaded to the teeth with all the software, anti-spyware, anti-virus and ultra-beefy firewall you'll ever need and cannot be altered in any way, ever. If you want a bunch of new stuff on you computer, you either trade yours in for a new system, or you get a whole new hard drive full of the new stuff that has been checked and rechecked by the ultimate geek squad to make sure NOTHING CONFLICTS AND CAUSES IT TO FLASH RANDOM-YET-INDECIPHERABLE ERROR MESSAGES AT YOU.

Don't get me going again. And stay away from my computer with that new software. Don't make me get my (incredibly bad word) hammer.

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